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Wow, where to begin ? My story starts out like most people's. Was raised in a very conservative small town Church. Church of God to be exact. The offices of the Church are in Harrisburg Pa, and the seminary is Winebrenner in Ohio(just in case you were wondering). I remember going to the alter during a revival service as a very young kid. Probably less than 12 years old. I remember not knowing exactly what it was all about, but I knew I didn't want to go to hell, and I knew if I didn't go up there(the alter) I was going to end up there. So the preacher prayed with me, and that was that. I spent the rest of my youth attending services regularly, active in the youth, I even preached a sermon on youth Sunday. I was very conscious of my faith in all that I did growing up, never doing any of the "bad" things other kids did. Then... I graduated high School, and things took a turn for the worse. I started drinking and partying and fighting and just living a very carnal life style. At 22 my girlfriend became pregnant, and we got married, after God slapped me with a realization that I was going to be a father. So at 23 I was married, and a father. I had returned to God, and the Church of my childhood, and was attempting to find what God wanted of me, as far as a ministry. About four years go by and my wife and I were actively working with the youth, as most parents of small children do in Churches, but things didn't feel "right". As time went on, God lead us to a different Church, where the pastor and I really hit it off ! I started to mentor with him, and my love of the Scriptures was born. Day and night I read, and meditated, snd prayed over the Word. I began to grow spiritually, and soon, the single most important thing in my life was Jesus and the Bible. All the while my wife was very actively attending 3 services a week with me, she was as active as I was through out the Church, life was FANTASTIC !!! I was in contact with the Church conference to get them to help me get a Pastor license, and eventually get ordained. Then, from out of the blue, things started changing. My wife (of nearly 9 years now) began to push away. From me and the Church. I struggled for months trying to get her to open up and talk to me, but... nothing. My marriage began to suffer. I was sleeping on the couch for 5 months feeling, and being rejected as a husband. I finally couldn't take the stress any longer. I moved out of the house, and told her that I'd be living with my parents until she lowered her guard and wanted to fix the marriage. Well, that just exacerbated the problem. She immediately got an attorney, and filed for divorce. I then found out the she had been having an affair on me for a number of months. We eventually ended up divorced. The next near two years, my walk with the Lord strengthened. Life settled back down and became pretty normal... except for the loneliness. I took the advice of a family member to check out "one of those on line singles sights". I ended up making a few contacts with a few women on a "Christian" board. One in particular. She lived in up state NY. I live in south central PA. We exchanged e-mails and letters for several weeks then progressed to phone calls. We spent days on the phone together. We talked well into the wee hours of the morning, often crying together over the stories we shared of or life experiences. There was never a person in my life who I connected with like this ! So, we made plans to meet. I drove me and my son up to NY for a week end trip. I booked a small hotel room about an hour east of Cooperstown, and went up for the visit. The minute I saw her I fell head over heels in crazy love. The week end was nothing less that perfect. Driving home on Sunday night was excruciating. We managed to continue the long distance relationship for about 9 or 10 months. We each made several visits. Each was more and more painful to separate. So I proposed and were were wed on March 30th 2007. MISTAKE !
The following year, it was a struggle, in every aspect of a relationship. She missed home, I didn't have the money for us to visit NY very often, and she became depressed, etc. There were numerous other problems, more than I care to write about. But as you can imagine, we split. I came home from work one morning, and she informed me our income tax came in, and she took every dime(5000 $) and was leaving me.
I nearly lost my mind. I experienced a nervous breakdown, and an emotional break down at the same time. I took off. On the way out, I grabbed my deer rifle and a box of bullets, stopped and bought a case of beer and drove to the middle of the woods. I wanted to die. The pain was too much to bare, and I knew that if I could somehow drink my self into a state of oblivion, I could end the pain.... permanently. I had at that point been awake for about 28 hours(I work 3rd shift). So God allowed me to fall asleep, with help of the Budweiser. I woke up several hours later. Pouring down rain, dark, and I was in the middle of the woods !? Then I realized why.
I felt ashamed. Heart broken, embarrassed, and cold. I began crying again. Heart broken, angry, nervous, and sick. I prayed for forgiveness, strength, wisdom, love, and compassion. I drove home and The house was empty. I sat there miserable as can be,for several hours. The she came home. We had a LOOOOONG conversation. I grew more and more tired, we resolved nothing, and I went to bed. I moved once again to my parent's and that gave her the space she needed to pack, and prepare to move back home. She ended up moving on our 1st anniversary. Nice, huh ?.
I began my quest to reconcile this with God. I counseled with numerous Pastors, and therapists, and started some anti-anxiety medicine. Things improved little by little. I too ashamed to return to the Church where everyone knew my problems. So I began attending a different Church. I made a lot of peace with God there, as well as inner peace. Funny, how when we find God's peace, we also find inner peace. I'm convinced you can't have one with out the other. I continue to struggle a little emotionally, but I know the more I run towards God, the easier it gets. God has revealed himself to me in so many different ways this past year. Forgiving, sustaining, teaching, loving, creating, providing. The list is endless. I know that He love me, as long as I have Him I need NOTHING else. Colossians 2:10 reminds me of that, every time I begin to feel lonely. I came to this board as a request from a friend, and a brother(my physical brother). I hope to find and make new friends here, and also find intelligent and Godly conversation. I wont get into my doctrinal beliefs here. God knows I've rambled enough. See y'all around.
The following year, it was a struggle, in every aspect of a relationship. She missed home, I didn't have the money for us to visit NY very often, and she became depressed, etc. There were numerous other problems, more than I care to write about. But as you can imagine, we split. I came home from work one morning, and she informed me our income tax came in, and she took every dime(5000 $) and was leaving me.
I nearly lost my mind. I experienced a nervous breakdown, and an emotional break down at the same time. I took off. On the way out, I grabbed my deer rifle and a box of bullets, stopped and bought a case of beer and drove to the middle of the woods. I wanted to die. The pain was too much to bare, and I knew that if I could somehow drink my self into a state of oblivion, I could end the pain.... permanently. I had at that point been awake for about 28 hours(I work 3rd shift). So God allowed me to fall asleep, with help of the Budweiser. I woke up several hours later. Pouring down rain, dark, and I was in the middle of the woods !? Then I realized why.
I felt ashamed. Heart broken, embarrassed, and cold. I began crying again. Heart broken, angry, nervous, and sick. I prayed for forgiveness, strength, wisdom, love, and compassion. I drove home and The house was empty. I sat there miserable as can be,for several hours. The she came home. We had a LOOOOONG conversation. I grew more and more tired, we resolved nothing, and I went to bed. I moved once again to my parent's and that gave her the space she needed to pack, and prepare to move back home. She ended up moving on our 1st anniversary. Nice, huh ?.
I began my quest to reconcile this with God. I counseled with numerous Pastors, and therapists, and started some anti-anxiety medicine. Things improved little by little. I too ashamed to return to the Church where everyone knew my problems. So I began attending a different Church. I made a lot of peace with God there, as well as inner peace. Funny, how when we find God's peace, we also find inner peace. I'm convinced you can't have one with out the other. I continue to struggle a little emotionally, but I know the more I run towards God, the easier it gets. God has revealed himself to me in so many different ways this past year. Forgiving, sustaining, teaching, loving, creating, providing. The list is endless. I know that He love me, as long as I have Him I need NOTHING else. Colossians 2:10 reminds me of that, every time I begin to feel lonely. I came to this board as a request from a friend, and a brother(my physical brother). I hope to find and make new friends here, and also find intelligent and Godly conversation. I wont get into my doctrinal beliefs here. God knows I've rambled enough. See y'all around.
